Music is... Awesome.

1.       Music does so many things for me- I can be having the worst day ever, but if I have my music, I can get through it. It’s almost like my headphones are my shield and sanctuary form my life. I think everyone needs a few minutes every now and then to let themselves get absorbed into their music. Music offers happy feelings after a sad day, or maybe a little calm to a hectic week. You can listen to any song, and that song can transport you to any emotion you want it to. Each person associates different things with different songs, so really, it’s up to you.

2.       Sunsets Are For Muggings: This is for the kids who ain't got no soul. Never think twice, got nowhere to go. This is for the pills that never f**king work, but it's hard to see blood on a black t-shirt. They'll never understand because they were understood. An 'open minded' fake in a bright white coat. Tell me what you wanna know about my bleeding f**king heart. I'll pass all your tests, because I've learned to lie from the best. Life is a fight. They never really listen because they never f**king cared. The way I feel inside they could never f**king hear. All they wanna know about is your insurance card. The pain I've kept inside just made me f**king strong. I never found a place I felt I fit. I never met someone who gave a s**t. but I believe in what we f**king got, and now's our chance to set it off. Let's take a stand against feeling lost, this is our chance to set it off. You'll never take me alive, because we're already dead. You'll never take me alive, because we're already dead inside.

My favorite song changes a lot depending on different things that happen in my life, but I would have to say that this is my all-time favorite. The lyrics are very meaningful to me, because they really describe the angry hateful person I’ve managed to defeat within myself. I’m still angry about a lot of things, hence the reason I like the angry tone (you should hear it), but it also has a kind of hope and inspiration to it. I can listen to this song and think, ‘Yeah, this sucks and this sucks and this sucks, but it’s ok. Life moves on. It’s time to move past the bad feelings.’ I have my tougher days, but without my music I wouldn’t have anything at all.

Famous Lines From Famous Books

First Line: “In the town, there were two mutes and they were always together.”

                This line is from the novel The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, which was published in the year 1940 by the author Carson McCullers who lived from 1917-1967. This author is also known for other works, including The Ballad of the Sad Café and The Member of the Wedding.

                From what I can understand from the several page summaries of this book, the story kind of follows around this deaf mute named Singer, and all the people he touches in his life. They all make him what they want him to be in their lives, despite his obvious lack of communication.

                Upon looking at all the reviews for this novel, it seems that most critics give The Heart is a Lonely Hunter  4 and 5 stars. I actually have yet to come to a review that was lower than that.  According to them, this book is truly a masterpiece.

 Last Line: “Come, children, let us shut up the box and the puppets, for our play is played out.”

                This line is from the novel Vanity Fair: A Novel without a Hero, which was published in the year 1847 by the author William Makepeace Thackeray who lived from 1811 to 1863. This author is also known for other works, including Catherine and The Book of Snobs.

                The book follows two girls, and a never-ending fair held in a town called Vanity to symbolize human’s attachments to physical possessions. It contains a lot of satire, and was written in the 1800’s so I would imagine it might be odd to just pick up and read.

                Many reviews say that it’s almost hard to stay interested in the story because there’s so much drama between the two girls. Naturally, I haven’t read the book so I’m not totally convinced it’s true. Surely if it was that terrible, I wouldn’t have ever heard of it.

Memorable Passage

“Perhaps you saw what place our universe plays in the scheme of things — as no more than an atom in a blade of grass. Could it be that everything we can perceive, from the microscopic virus to the distant Horsehead Nebula, is contained in one blade of grass that may have existed for only a single season in an alien time-flow? What if that blade should be cut off by a scythe? When it begins to die, would the rot seep into our universe and our own lives, turning everything yellow and brown and desiccated? Perhaps it's already begun to happen. We say the world has moved on; maybe we really mean that it has begun to dry up.
"Think how small such a concept of things make us, gunslinger! If God watches over it all, does He actually mete out justice for such a race of gnats? Does His eye see the sparrow fall when the sparrow is less than a speck of hydrogen floating disconnected in the depth of space? And if He does see... what must the nature of such a God be? Where does He live? How is it possible to live beyond infinity?

Suppose that all worlds, all universes, met at a single nexus, a single pylon, a Tower. And within it, a stairway, perhaps rising to the Godhead itself. Would you dare climb to the top, gunslinger? Could it be that somewhere above all of endless reality, there exists a room?...
"You dare not."
And in the gunslinger's mind, those words echoed: You dare not.”

                                  -Walter, The Gunslinger

This passage stuck with me because no one really knows what existence is all about, and if it really came down to it, I don’t think many would really want to know. We’re happy living in our own little world, even while we dream about everything outside.

Writers As Readers

1.       There are few things better that curling up in front of my fireplace with a blanket, some cookies and a can of soda. I have to be careful though- I just might stay down there for hours!

2.       I really enjoy reading adventure/horror stories. They have just enough excitement to make me want to keep reading, and just enough horror to keep me on my toes. I know a book is really good if it makes me scared while I’m eating cookies!

3.       I would like to say that my writing style is like Stephen King’s, but his is so much better than mine. He can really hook you into a story with his words. He also knows how to make you and the character one. Eventually, it’s not the character in the story having an adventure, it’s you. I really admire that in a writer.

4.        I don’t have a specific memory associated with reading, mostly just because I’ve done it so much. I do recall bawling my eyes out when one of the characters in a book died- I had read about that character for eight books, and it almost felt like I was losing a friend.

5.       The Dark Tower series was a series that took me a couple months to finish, but believe me, that’s a lot of reading. I couldn’t put the things down. I will admit though, the first book of the series wasn’t too enthralling- I really had to work to finish it. After that it was like one after the other.

6.       My first reading teacher was my dad. I remember he used to read us stories before we went to bed. He quit after a while, but it was fun while it lasted. I would say that really influenced my interest in reading.

This is What I Daydream About.

                I don’t ever want to forget the stress I’m under right now. There are so many things to just sit there and worry about. Money’s the biggest part. We live in a world today that can not function without it. We have bills- thousands of bills (so it seems)-mortgage, utilities, storage phone, cars, T.V, gas, groceries, random school dues, groceries…. The list keeps going, and we have to factor in that it’s for 6 people. Our paycheck take care of these hinderances, hiding them from our mind’s eye every month. Paychecks come from jobs. Jobs require a method of transportation. Good thing we have 3 vehicles!

                Something happens (no one really knows what), and BAM! There goes Car #1. It’s ok. We can overcome that. We still have two more for now, but we have to have the first one back. Hundreds of dollars we don’t have, and a few “Well I guess that wasn’t it”s later, and I’ve lended all the money I am capable of lending to my parents. The car remains motionless in the garage. They say they’ll pay me back, but I know they can’t. Mom STILL doesn’t have a job, and both retirements are already gone.

                Dad works 13/14 hour shifts everyday and comes home late every night just to keep the lights on. Mom drives us from work to school each day. I work to try and save up to move out. There’s never enough money. Family comes before self, don’t I know that? But I don’t mind. College must wait. Life must wait. I work. I go to school. I clean. I dream. I work. You have to remember not to stand up too fast- you’ll pass out.

                God is mad at us. He strikes Car #2 right in it’s oily veins, in a place where only mechanics with scheming brains and deep pockets can reach. We cry. And worry. And cry some more. My dad uses the only operating vehicle, which is an old pickup that only he knows how to drive. And it was shifty to begin with. I can’t work without a car. If the truck breaks down, we’ll lose everything. Bill collectors don’t care about recessions, family emergencies, hospital admittances… they just want the money.

                I have to remember the way my heart seizes up any time I think about the past and the present, and I am terrified of the future.

                I have to remember the look in my little brother’s eyes when he doesn’t understand that we just can’t get macaroni and cheese this month. We can’t afford it.

                I have to remember that I never ever ever want to feel this stressed and desperate ever again.

                I have to remember that my future and the future of my children will be different.

                I have to remember not to give up. We’ll get through this. We always do.

Dreams Thread

…She lay down on the floor of the house, sort of curled up into a ball because there was nothing to hang on to. The cracks began to blossom like spider webs beneath my feet. I jumped from one disintegrating platform to the next, trying to move my way closer to her, to save her, and was only a few feet away when the main support beam of the house snapped. The ceiling came tumbling down in chunks around us. She screamed one of those blood curdling screams, her mouth a round “O” of terror as the monsters razor-like claws move up through the earth and snaked their way towards her. I try even more desperately to get to her before those hideous talons do, but as their sharp shadows fall over her, I realize I can’t save her…

Lucid Dreaming!

I've always been fascinated with dreams and sleeping in general. I've read quite a few books on the subject, and I know a bunch of random facts that aren't really important, but I can't seem to forget them. For example, did you know that Lucid Dreamers can control their dreams? Amazing, I know.  It takes a lot of skill, perseverance, and patience. Some speculate that being conscious in your dreams decreases the amount of rest you actually get, but many scientist assure us that this isn’t true.

The first step in lucid dreaming is to recognize that you’re dreaming. Popular ways of doing this include looking at your hands or checking a clock. When you dream, you can’t see the lines on your hands, and numbers appear to distort themselves. I’ve experienced this myself.  Some would rather buy some type of timer, one that goes off every so many minutes. Scientists say that you do what you do when you’re awake while you’re asleep. They will set their timer (or watch or whatever) to ring every half an hour, hour, or whatever you’d like. Then, as that timer goes off, they check the clock and ask themselves, “Am I Dreaming?” Obviously you’ll notice you’re not, but if you do this enough during the day, you’ll do the same at night while you’re lost in dream land. You may not catch on the first couple times, but the more determined you are to lucid dream, the easier it gets.

                Once you’ve hit that “Oh my gosh, I’m dreaming” point, you have to be careful not to get too excited. This is where my nightly adventures end. Every time I notice I’m dreaming, I get so excited at all the possibilities that I end up waking myself up! Take it easy, and enjoy yourself!

Maya Angelou Questions

1.Angelou says caged birds sing for freedom- I agree. People 'in cages' are sometimes stuck there by self-limitations, and I think that's something to consider. I think any person can get out of whatever bad situation they're in- unless you owe an obsene anount of money to the mob; that one is kind of hard to get out of. Anyway, my point is that people often limit themselves to things they just think they can't do. In reality, your mind is the most powerful thing in the universe. People cry for freedom when all they really need is to look into themselves. Then that cage isn't really a cage anymore.

2. I'm not sure if I personally have that power- it's been a while since I've been in a situation that's considered difficult. In the past, each situation tends to kind tear me down, but I've noticed that I get stronger and stronger each time. It's kind of like passing metal through fire several times to reinforce it.

3. I'm not sure if talking about bad things gives them power... to me it seems like people learn from the past and mistakes others have made, or even bad dreams. You learn in life that you want to avoid those things in the future, but it's kind of hard to when you don't even know about them. There's a difference between ignoring bad things and not letting bad things affect you. However, you also shouldn't brood or obsess about the bad- that leads to a sad, anxious life.

4. Sometimes dreams can tell the truth about us.  I think they reveal our fears, desires, emotions, etc. The things that our mind knows we need to either get over or kick into gear. I've had countless nightmares relating to things that scare me, but with each new nightmare I find that certain thing easier to face, and eventually I get over it. Dreams could very well be the ultimate coping mechanism.

I am... Sammi Hillen

I am…

I am Sammi Hillen, a weary senior with a passion for music and a newly founded work ethic worth noticing.

I am a quiet wallflower, a hermit and shy, except around people that I both trust and love.

I am a steep build up and an explosion of deep, earth rattling bass.

I am the insect of worry that taps on your brain and keeps you up for hours when all you want to do is sleep.

I am the horrific and gruesome nightmares that prevent the foreign safety of black sleep.

I am catch-up sleep on weekends.

I am twin B to one, who is just like me, but tuned to a different frequency.

I am the soft glow of sunset, signaling fun times and (finally) peace in the thrill of falling into the escape of entertainment and “night life”.

I am annoyed, fed up, put out, bothered, irked, sore, angry, irritated.

I am grateful, joyous, thrilled, happy, content, exhilarated, relieved, ecstatic.

I am the whiplash of spontaneous emotion.

I am always working. And working and working and working and working and working and working.

I am the liberation of a hard day’s work, and the glowing feeling of accomplishment.

I am the harmonious vivid description of monsters, wandering in and out of my Stephen King books.

I am the occasional provider of funds while my mom recovers and gets a job.

I am the enervated remnants of uncertainty and ambivalence present in my mother’s eyes.

I am a torn-off hospital admittance band and hiding in my hoodie all day, every day.

I am constantly cowering from the thought of love; I only remember the hurt.

I am filled with hope that the future will not be as arduous and draining as the past.