This is What I Daydream About.

                I don’t ever want to forget the stress I’m under right now. There are so many things to just sit there and worry about. Money’s the biggest part. We live in a world today that can not function without it. We have bills- thousands of bills (so it seems)-mortgage, utilities, storage phone, cars, T.V, gas, groceries, random school dues, groceries…. The list keeps going, and we have to factor in that it’s for 6 people. Our paycheck take care of these hinderances, hiding them from our mind’s eye every month. Paychecks come from jobs. Jobs require a method of transportation. Good thing we have 3 vehicles!

                Something happens (no one really knows what), and BAM! There goes Car #1. It’s ok. We can overcome that. We still have two more for now, but we have to have the first one back. Hundreds of dollars we don’t have, and a few “Well I guess that wasn’t it”s later, and I’ve lended all the money I am capable of lending to my parents. The car remains motionless in the garage. They say they’ll pay me back, but I know they can’t. Mom STILL doesn’t have a job, and both retirements are already gone.

                Dad works 13/14 hour shifts everyday and comes home late every night just to keep the lights on. Mom drives us from work to school each day. I work to try and save up to move out. There’s never enough money. Family comes before self, don’t I know that? But I don’t mind. College must wait. Life must wait. I work. I go to school. I clean. I dream. I work. You have to remember not to stand up too fast- you’ll pass out.

                God is mad at us. He strikes Car #2 right in it’s oily veins, in a place where only mechanics with scheming brains and deep pockets can reach. We cry. And worry. And cry some more. My dad uses the only operating vehicle, which is an old pickup that only he knows how to drive. And it was shifty to begin with. I can’t work without a car. If the truck breaks down, we’ll lose everything. Bill collectors don’t care about recessions, family emergencies, hospital admittances… they just want the money.

                I have to remember the way my heart seizes up any time I think about the past and the present, and I am terrified of the future.

                I have to remember the look in my little brother’s eyes when he doesn’t understand that we just can’t get macaroni and cheese this month. We can’t afford it.

                I have to remember that I never ever ever want to feel this stressed and desperate ever again.

                I have to remember that my future and the future of my children will be different.

                I have to remember not to give up. We’ll get through this. We always do.